Recently, I went through a devastating break up! It felt like a truck had run me over several times, drove away and left me in the middle of nowhere. For several nights I couldn't sleep, and the thought of being alone just propelled me even further and further into utter darkness. I couldn't deal, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even speak in any recognizable language. I lost about 10 pounds in 2 days, and started to feel like I would never ever come out of it.
I thought, I truly loved another human being with no strings attached, I was so content to be fully vulnerable and in my natural naked state, I had lost the feeling of me. Not just a piece of me, but all of me.
That was then, This is now.
The Road to Redemption turned out to be a long and grueling one. The search for me and my meaning seemed to be like finding a needle in a haystack without the metal detector. I looked this way and that, tried everything I could imagine. I went on a dating spree, I took up dance classes that put my body in awkward positions, Ive twisted and turned, I've stayed out till wee hours of the morning in an intoxicated state with people I did not know , I went out and got a job at a company I admire, I took certificate courses, I ran for hours on end to hopefully exhaust myself and my restless uneasiness. By that point I was coming up blank. Everything I did, did not let me sleep any deeper or breath any easier. It just continued to underline the yearning in my soul and the constant want. I kept trying to ask myself, what is it that I want, what am I craving for? It was like a hunger that I could not satisfy, a thirst I could not quench. DAM. Frustration over took me. I started to act like the victim I tried so hard not to be.
What Changed? My realization that I was unhappy with who I was, not with what I was doing, even though one cannot exist without the other. I learned to give myself permission to make mistakes and accept imperfections in myself. Instead of overusing my self and overworking, I began to challenge myself. I started to tap into my identity as a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover. I started to redefine my boundaries and my reality by rejecting those actions that were not in line with my vision of self. I learned to say no, not right now, not this, not yet, not ever. I replaced feelings of I can't, with either feelings of I do not want to or I will do it. My horizon expanded and my attitude changed. I bought a journal where I keep my goals, a planner where I record my where abouts and a sketch book where I house my inspirations. I am no longer a slave to other people, instead I am accountable only to myself and no amount of pressure or pouting will ever make me do the things I do not want to do.
My needle in the haystack is still missing, but I learned that I am emotionally wealthy enough to throw my haystack away and get myself a spanking new sewing machine.
