Heartach and sorrow is just a transition point!

Recently, I went through a devastating break up! It felt like a truck had run me over several times, drove away and left me in the middle of nowhere. For several nights I couldn't sleep, and the thought of being alone just propelled me even further and further into utter darkness. I couldn't deal, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even speak in any recognizable language. I lost about 10 pounds in 2 days, and started to feel like I would never ever come out of it.

I thought, I truly loved another human being with no strings attached, I was so content to be fully vulnerable and in my natural naked state, I had lost the feeling of me. Not just a piece of me, but all of me.

That was then, This is now.


The Road to Redemption turned out to be a long and grueling one. The search for me and my meaning seemed to be like finding a needle in a haystack without the metal detector. I looked this way and that, tried everything I could imagine. I went on a dating spree, I took up dance classes that put my body in awkward positions, Ive twisted and turned, I've stayed out till wee hours of the morning in an intoxicated state with people I did not know , I went out and got a job at a company I admire, I took certificate courses, I ran for hours on end to hopefully exhaust myself and my restless uneasiness. By that point I was coming up blank. Everything I did, did not let me sleep any deeper or breath any easier. It just continued to underline the yearning in my soul and the constant want. I kept trying to ask myself, what is it that I want, what am I craving for? It was like a hunger that I could not satisfy, a thirst I could not quench. DAM. Frustration over took me. I started to act like the victim I tried so hard not to be.

What Changed? My realization that I was unhappy with who I was, not with what I was doing, even though one cannot exist without the other. I learned to give myself permission to make mistakes and accept imperfections in myself. Instead of overusing my self and overworking, I began to challenge myself. I started to tap into my identity as a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover. I started to redefine my boundaries and my reality by rejecting those actions that were not in line with my vision of self. I learned to say no, not right now, not this, not yet, not ever. I replaced feelings of I can't, with either feelings of I do not want to or I will do it. My horizon expanded and my attitude changed. I bought a journal where I keep my goals, a planner where I record my where abouts and a sketch book where I house my inspirations. I am no longer a slave to other people, instead I am accountable only to myself and no amount of pressure or pouting will ever make me do the things I do not want to do.

My needle in the haystack is still missing, but I learned that I am emotionally wealthy enough to throw my haystack away and get myself a spanking new sewing machine.

The fear and its Enemy... The smile

I'm reading this book for my business called Conversations with...The Greatest Networker in The World by John Milton Fogg. Its basically a set of conversations that are supposed to help network marketers through the ups and downs of the business and help the understand what they are doing and how to do it. But what really caught my that I feel is relevant to my last post is this little experiment in the first chapter. First you must think of something distressing or some upsetting thought that always gets you rallied up, something that makes you doubt yourself or others or even an unpleasant situation at work. Once you have gotten that thought in your head, you ... drum roll please... Smile. Go ahead just smile. How do you feel? Much happier eh? That's because the muscles that you use automatically send a signal to your brain, producing a chemical that fools your brain into thinking that you are actually happy. You see... and this is fascinating... your brain can hold both negative and positive thoughts at the same time. Neat eh? So I Tried this little experiment this morning and here is how it went. I woke up really early today even though yesterday I went to bed late which means already I was naturally grumpy. On top of that I couldn't go back to bed because the contractor that is doing the renovations had to be let in at 830 this morning and there was no one home except me. Boohoo I know. I put on sweats and a sweatshirt over my pjs and waited so that once hes here, I can shower in peace without worrying that I might miss him. 830 passes and there is no sign of him. Then its 9, 930, 10, 1030, and tada hes here. My mood by this point has just hit the ceiling, I was ready to pound the pretty new wall. And then just before I opened the door, I caught my reflection in the mirror, I looked beat and hostile. There was soo much icky anger that I didn't know what to do with it and then I remembered the experiment and just smiled. Boom. My emotion just skyrocketed and I felt like the rest of the day was no biggy. When I discovered that the ceiling that was painted white had huge yellow spots all over it and I started to worry that the contractor would have to re-do it and that it was I who was going to tell him, which meant not only was he going to get upset but my move in date would have to be postponed from today to Saturday. The feeling of dread started to resurface especially because I am a big chicken when it comes to telling Big men what to do. You know what I did? I just smiled. That dreaded feeling dulled down enough for me to muster the courage to tell the guy that he still has tonnes of work left and he better start with the ceiling but instead of using the dreaded angry feeling inside of me, I used the smiling one I acquired. I figured if my smile can calm me down and make me work, will it work on others? The verdict came down to Yes it can!!! I also used the same smile when dealing with the Bell technician. Instead of wallowing how the phone has been on and off, how it keeps trying to dial 911 and then hang up so much that we have police knocking on our door, how the Bells customer service guys are soo unhelpful and rude, how they hang up because they understand that they are rude and would not give their names or id numbers so they could be reported, instead of thinking all that or letting me continue further, I put on my 1000 watt smile and suddenly felt better. My smile also brought on a genuine response form the technician that was late. He apologised a billion times and called his supervisors just so that they could make an investigation, and on top of that he rewired everything and called another specialist to take a look at the ground wires tomorrow. All the while telling me that he was sorry and telling me that if there ever was a problem again that we should contact him through bell and he gave me his id number. Isn't that nice. One little smile and problems seem to fix themselves. So all that happy feeling let me see the day just a bit more lovelier and I started noticing the spider that has made itself a home between the grill and the flowers in less than an hour. I took a picture of the giant bumblebee, and I did my chores with a little more pep in my step so much that when hanging my laundry outside I had the bright idea of documenting it with my camera. I loved the way my gold princess drapes flowed in the wind. I decided that if I can use my new found technique on everyday dreaded things is it possible to use it to over come fear? Say a fear of baking? Now I confess, I chickened out in baking brownies yesterday! I had a bad experience when I was younger. The apple pie turned out just pure salt and the yule log rum cake was just a charred mess which my family still ate. Watching their faces was horrific. And on top of that I almost burned the kitchen down with my baking wax paper that supposedly you're not suppose to put in the oven. Go figure. It said baking! Arg! After that I never baked anything sweet again. So as you can see my fears are superficial but still fears. But I have decided to over come them. Tomorrow after learning how to fix my car, I hope to apply the same smile to my baking brownies and hopefully just as responsive as the two workers and my thoughts have been, my brownies will sense my smile and turn out to be normal, tasty morsels of food. Fingers crossed! I hope I will one day be able to fill the kitchen with sweet smells of baked goods. And now I feel it is only fitting to leave you with a cooking quote...

“ When we decode a cookbook, every one of us is a practicing chemist. Cooking is really the oldest, most basic application of physical and chemical forces to natural materials" - Arthur E. Grosser

Post -truama

How do people deal? Honestly! What is the seceret or is it all a show?

Along came a birdie...

So this whole blog has been put on hold. Time management is harder than it looks especially when time is allocated for stressing out. Ops. Back to reality. Currently it is the middle of summer and I'm unemployed, boyfriendless, roomless and living in full renovation mode for the last month, with no plans for the future . Oh boy, can life become anymore twisted? In truth yes yes it can, so I'm not going to jinx and I just say my grace like a good little girl. But am I missing the picture? Do all things happen for a reason and if so I want to see this big book of reasons and speak to the man who wrote it. After a devastating break up I spent weeks holding on to my sides like I was going to fall apart any minute. It hurt to eat, walk, run and even sleep, all that could be done was think and even that was not enough. Thoughts are dangerous especially ones that are reminiscent of happier days. I felt like a truck ran me over and then decided to back up just to do it again. And then after donning my running shoes and my sports bra, I headed straight into the stormy weather where I met a little birdie that told me it was all going to be okay. My room was going to get fixed so that I wouldn't have to live out of a box, my unemployment statues was going to change and as for my broken heart it would keep beating, a little more retarded than before but for now it would do because that's all I really have. Its funny cause this bird isn't really a person but it is a bird that lives in my neighbourhood now, I think it is some sort of lost pet but I haven't seen posters looking for it so I assume no one is really missing it. Lucky for me. I see it every time a go running, what a treat!!! And its not like the bird speaks but its like one of those unspoken signs that let you know you're going to be okay. So each day my smile gets bigger and my spirits lighten and as for my problems? Ive made a list of the immediate ones that I tackle daily and slowly they seem to melt away. I have been doing the things that are beneficial for my souls happiness, such as taking Hip-hop in stilettos at Dance Corps down town and playing the guitar and hopefully tomorrow baking brownies which is incredible because even though I am an excellent cook, my baking skills are atrocious. Keep your fingers crossed for the brownies. Anyhow Ive acquired new hobbies and new insight which will be shared through out my discovery process. So I leave you with this quote....

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake. -- M.B. Ray ♥

Just keep swimming swimming swimming!!!

Let me just start off, with saying how hard it is to find a job in this downward economy that pays well and will provide valueable experience...its a full time job in itself. I am so frusterated... being an adult is hard. I have a totally new respect for my parents and the way they are able to keep it together without going insane.
At this point I sometimes find it difficult to stay motivated and focused, with school at least there are assignments and exams that you work for but with life its your own goals and your own set path. Honestly its exhausting and a bit lonely, I feel like a fish in water. Exactly like Dory in Finding Nemo. I have a 5 second attention span and sometimes I dont even know if i can continue swimming but to stop would be like lying down and waiting to become one with nature.

To New beginings or continuation of the same old.

It took me so long to muster the courage to decide that what I have been doing isn't working that I have finally dug myself what some people might call a hole. While sitting in my nicely dug hole I realized that I have become way too comfortable and that I have actually outgrown my hole. Yes ladies and gentlemen I have realized that this groundhog is not really a ground hog but a very large bear that has been in hibernation for way too long. I fooled myself into my ground hog ways and allowed myself to let my shadow scare me, leave me immobile and wanting more. I have decided that it is finally time to leave all of that behind and make that choices for myself.

I am leaving school for a year and going out into the working world. Like in one of the ACN training events I have decided to become simply Irresistable. Like any person I realise that I have faults but I also realise that dispite my flaws I can still be successful. Its all about the mind set. I am the master of my destiny and the captine of my ship. I promise to those around me that if you stick with me you will surely come out on top along side me.

I want to live life with no regrets that I didnt do something. I want to one day be at a ripe old age on my death bed and smile a satisfied smile. I want to lead an examplary life. And I will. I will be the ray of sunlight that I feel inside. Because I am Viva woman! ( just thought id add that)
So I leave you with this thought...

Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… ‘How did I get through all of that? - Anonymous

Today...at the hour of greatest despair and loss of human dignity...

came the most wonderful inspiration! MY friends!

I haven't been feeling well last night, in fact I was feeling utterly wretched. I had one of the biggest falling out with one of my family members. We just don't seem to see eye to eye, not that we ever did ... not only that but we had one of the most demoralizing fights imaginable. I never think I will be able to look at that person the same way again. Although my love is unconditional, I know that apart of me really wishes it can hate a deep and passionate hate. So, you guessed it, I went to bed quite weepy... and after several hours of being unable to cry myself to sleep I think I took a sleeping pill but in liquid form. I awoke this morning blurry eyed and blotchy. Unable to look at my tear swollen face in the mirror, I made my way downstairs to fix myself my usual pick me up. Raisin bran cereal, fresh cut strawberries, a quarter of an apple and of course strawberry soy milk since I cannot drink regular milk. I ran into the object of my wishful hate in the kitchen and although I couldn't hate this person fully I still couldn't face them. My cereal, didn't end up doing the trick and my shell shocked self scurried into the shower and wished that no one heard me sobbing through the rush of the water. I waited for everyone to leave before I re-emerged... I decided that there is no use in crying over spilled milk and tried to focus my attention on looking very presentable for no apparent reason. I did my make up so I looked fresh and vibrant and I put on a very power oriented outfit and I walked out the door trying to look like I was worth a million dollars when in reality, I didn't even feel worth 1 cent. I cannot believe how one person can make you feel like crap, like a waste of human life. Not only was I feeling this absolute despair, it was brought on by a person who should have been there for me, but then again there have been other instances so I should not have been so surprised.

Anyhow upon getting to my psych lecture, I was still my miserable self and the lecture topic didn't really help because it reflected so much of what I was going through, that I thought I would break down in tears and cry right then and there in front of about 400 people. I even thought of leaving the lecture several times and locking myself in one of those unsanitary public bathrooms and weeping for the rest of the day. And just as I was packing up my bag, I noticed that my phone had a missed call and a text on it. I quickly realised that my lovely boyfriend had tried to reach me just 20 minutes earlier and as soon as the first half of the 3 hour lecture was over I dashed into the foyer and called him. He quickly started to explain to me that he was trying to get me a Telus plan that would match a really good deal of another friend of mine. I was still cross and I think that I came off that way over the phone too. But as soon as I hung up, I realised what a relief it was hearing his voice. I was suddenly shaken out of my gloomy world, into one where I knew that no matter what happens in life, there are always other people who will treat me with the decency and respect of a human being. Thank God For Friends.At that moment the Psych lecture hit home. We are social beings and no matter what happens we need each other to function. We need the warmth and compassion of others to propel us forward on this great big journey we call life. We will never be able to please everyone nor should we try because this attempt will only prove futile. Instead we should surround ourselves with loving, caring people who might not always be perfect but they will help us achieve inner perfection. It is only through the eyes of others that we will be able to see our perfect selves. We are beautiful inside and out, but we often are way to0 critical of ourselves to see how truly wonderful our flawed self is in existence in the world. We need others to fulfil us and give us meaning, we need others to help us and steer us in the right direction. So be careful when you choose your friends. Don't choose on the basis of the outer exterior or by the amount of hot air one holds, but by the amount of room one has in ones heart.

Wow, I think that, my friends, my boyfriend would call cheeeeeeesyyyyy. I realised that my friends are the family that is with me not because they have to be but because they want to be. My very dear friend Patty, took the bus with me, to the doctors office which is a good 1 1/2 hour journey in itself not because she had to nor that she actually felt like it. In fact, she seemed like she should have been in bed sleeping the whole day, but she went with me anyway because I'm a chicken and I don't like doctors. She went because, whether she knows it or not, she sensed my vulnerability and she protects me from it. I know in time of need shes got my back.That is the power of friendship, that is truly in my opinion unconditional love... ( Patty if you are reading this... xoxoxox... thank you).

So in closing, my friends are a big part of my identity and without them I would surely have been lost in the abyss.

"The world would be so lonely, in sunny hours or gray. Without the gift of friendship, to help us every day."

- Hilda Brett Farr

Toronto Earth Hour

Yesterday at 7:30 Toronto Kicked off its Earth hour day, with the performance of Karl Wolf's Africa. Although the event was not as widely spread as facebook showed, Nathan Philip Square was still jammed packed with people from every culture and every age. Tiny tots were warmly nestled in the arms of their parents and elderly couples were holding hands while jamming to Suzie's closing act. Although not all of Toronto, had its lights turned off at 8:30, it still manged to register a 15% decrease of power on the power grid.
I was standing behind a few teenagers who were not very pleased with the fact that the buildings around Nathan Philip Sqaure didnt turn off all their lights. Infact they started to bad mouth the whole event. But in my opinion a little change even a 15% change is good change. That isnt to say that we should settle for 15% of change everytime. We should go for the full hundered percent in anything we do in life, but sometimes baby steps arent that bad either. I have learned that in life we cannot control everyone around us even if they give us their word. We can only exercise power over ourselves and hopefully those around us will follow in our wake.

Those that say that one person cant make a difference are very bad students of history. Infact through out history, there have been individuals who have made positive contributions to society such as Mother Teresa and those that have negatively affected the world such as Hitler. But both have had an impact and both came from humble beginings, so the moral of the story is; It doesnt matter where you start and how small you are, what matters is where you are going and what your intentions are. If you have a passion or even an idea that can help change the world for the better, even if it is putting your cardboard boxes and paper in the recycle bin than go for it. And remember;


`No One is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality!`
- Think and Grow Rich

Good Job Toronto - Next Year lets reach 50%!

Introduction

Hello,
Sometimes I feel as though, people have lost their minds. Obsessing over things that have no actual benefit to survival or the actual pursuit of happiness. The concentration on material objects, false success and relationships that look good on paper are leading to the loss of ones self and ones enjoyedment of life.

I have created this blog in the hopes of finding myself and my inspirations. I hope that I will have enough discipline to update it regularly and with openness and honesty. I have undertaken this task for one simple reason; myself. I have found over the course of several years that there are a lot of people out there who are not happy with what they do and what they stand for and over the course of my short life I have been a strong advocate of being incharge of your own life and your own dreams. Somehow getting through depression and several illnesses, I have managed to learn valuable lessons of taking it easy and taking care of oneself. But unfortunatly I have forgotten to take care of my mental well-being. In the process of battling for my health, I have lost a very important part of myself. My identity. So now I will undertake the journey of bettering myself and my reality. I will start doing the things that I have always dreamed I will but never actually took the steps to realizing them.

Here is one of my favorites - cioa

Our Greatest Fear
Our deepest fear us bit that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not outr darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be Brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson